


across the stars (i'll find you anywhere)

by princepixel



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Abstract, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Cuddling & Snuggling, Extended Metaphors, Falling In Love, Fate & Destiny, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Gods, Growing Up, Injury, Kinda, Light Angst, M/M, Metaphors, Mutual Pining, OT4, Poetic, Polyamory, Reincarnation, SMRookies - Freeform, Strangers to Lovers, idolverse, implied chensung - Freeform, light existentialism, predebut, space
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:47:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21637606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princepixel/pseuds/princepixel
Summary: jaemin holds the sun in his smile. the moon hides in the curve of jeno’s eyes. constellations connect the moles sprawled across donghyuck’s skin. the stars themselves sparkle in renjun's irises. long ago, they were one. splintered into four by the fates, they are destined to meet again, all drawn towards a dim practice room in the heart of south korea.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Jeno, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 67
Kudos: 306
Collections: ’00 FIC FEST: ROUND ONE





	across the stars (i'll find you anywhere)

**Author's Note:**

> 00ff prompt #0068 <333
> 
> "OT4 are a reincarnation of the stars and they meet and find each other again, across time and across the universe, in a small dance studio in Seoul. "

☆

from the outside, jaemin doesn't look different.

a clumsy and bright child, he laughs with his whole chest as he sprints through the tall grasses of his hometown, fingertips brushing the clouds and tiny feet pounding into the crumbling dirt. his curious fingers wreak havoc around the house, chubby digits fumbling with kitchen drawers and struggling to reach the top shelf. he plays well with the kids at school, always the first to volunteer to push his friends on the swing-- even if he cheats a little when they play tag.

look any closer, however, and you may notice the way jaemin freezes every now and then, youthful expression melting from his face to reveal something impossibly wise laying dormant beneath it. endless threads of history wind through the top layer of his skin as he clutches at his heart, hopeful gaze turned upwards. watch closely-- closer, closer. it would appear like he's searching for something, someone, fingers digging into his chest as if his answers lay somewhere inside. the stars do not answer his cries.

the moment is fragile as glass. don't blink-- you'll miss it.

time splinters. jaemin's eyes light up again with innocence as he runs to catch up with his brother, the wind gently tousling his hair. the yearning aging his soft features just seconds ago seems erased by the fates.

_closer, closer_.

  
  
  
  


☆

  
  
  


jaemin is in first grade. he starts sitting a bit farther away from the other kids. normally he's outgoing and boisterous, jumping at the chance to make new friends, but something just feels wrong. the other kids are nice, sure, but they're not...

jaemin doesn't know.

they're supposed to draw self portraits. jaemin leaves his left hand, right leg, and right shoulder uncolored. there's just a messy scrawl where his heart should go.

the teacher moves behind him, warm hand falling on his shoulder as she peers at his drawing. something unfamiliar curls up in jaemin's chest. he clutches the crayon in his hand a little tighter, but makes no move to use it.

"jaemin, honey, why haven't you finished your picture?" she asks softly, inky black hair falling in waves around her shoulders.

"i have." jaemin says. the picture frowns back at him. 

"there's something missing." she points out gently, nudging a few more crayons towards him.

“i know.” jaemin feels it too. 

the gap in his chest widens just a little that day.

  
  
  


☆

  
  


jaemin learns to ignore the hollowness in his chest, to throw a blanket over the chasm splitting his soul apart. 

his big heart leads him to soup kitchens, food pantries, animal shelters, and underfunded schools. he's crowned captain of his swim team, excels in his classes, and never forgets to thank the bus driver. he jumps at every opportunity and puts his all behind every cause-- traits that the haughty adults in his life praise with wine glasses held high, barbed boasts floating through the air.

(sometimes he'll turn, a joke bursting from his lips, only to be met with empty space. he doesn't know what he expected to find, but somehow the air next to him feels heavier than ever.)

jaemin is happy with the life he leads, but every turn taken feels like something lurking deep within him is chasing that void, never losing hope that what he's searching for is just around the corner. perhaps it lays in the new position at the vet clinic, or perhaps the hunger will be satisfied by an A on his next exam.

it never is, and so when jaemin is offered an audition with sm entertainment, he doesn't look back.

the night before he leaves, he reaches up. his fingertips skate across the inky night, sending ripples spreading through the sky. 

the stars greet him, just for tonight.

  
  
  


☆

  
  


jaemin plays hot and cold with his brother when they're young. warmer, warmer, he shouts as jaemin nears his hiding spot behind the washing machine. colder, colder.

when a black haired boy steps into the audition room just minutes after jaemin, there's a resounding _warmer, warmer_ dancing along the back of his head, just skimming his consciousness. 

jaemin feels his world shift. everything else slowly fades out of his vision, everything except the boy in the oversized sweatshirt and the beat up sneakers. nothing else matters.

the boy meanders up to him after checking in with the representatives at the front desk. he plops into the seat next to jaemin, nimble fingers pinning the audition number onto his chest. the boy's mop of hair falls into his eyes as he angles himself towards jaemin, stance open and friendly. he tugs down his face mask to reveal the brightest smile jaemin's ever seen. 

_closer. closer. closer._

"hi, i'm jeno." says the boy with the smile like the stars. "are you here for auditions, too?"

something in jaemin's chest loosens.

"i'm jaemin," he says. "and yeah, i am."

  
  
  


☆

  
  
  


there's something impossibly familiar about jeno. 

it’s nothing as trivial as his name, his hometown, or the breeds of his countless cats. no, it's the hauntingly familiar way his eyes light up when he sees jaemin, the way his nose crinkles when they enter the cafeteria. it's how jaemin almost knows what jeno's going to say before the words even leave his lips, the way jeno sometimes speaks in a tone that jaemin is _certain_ he's heard before.

they both pass auditions. jaemin doesn't question it when jeno sweeps him up into a bone-crushing hug, nuzzling into his neck affectionately even though they've just met.

haven't they?

as soon as they learn that jeno attends the same school as him, they become seat mates and history is sealed. they're inseparable, eating every meal together and carpooling to the company after school. they spend every waking moment with each other and it should be enough-- it should be enough.

(so why does the air on jaemin's left feel so crushingly empty sometimes?)

jeno silently links pinkies with him, the other hand doodling aimless spirals across his math worksheet. they go out for ice cream after practice. the sun hangs low, coloring the sky like jeno's favorite flavor-- strawberry and vanilla twist, with sprinkles on a special day. jeno thinks it’s hilarious to smudge his treat across jaemin's cheek. jaemin can't even bring himself to be mad-- god, not when jeno's eyes curve up into little moons, glimpses of a blinding smile flashing behind his hands as he laughs himself to tears.

on those nights where anxiety catches up to jaemin, when he dreams of his mom’s cooking and longs for rest, when he crumples, jeno is there to catch him. always. it’s them against the cold, cruel world, and jaemin wouldn’t trade it for anything. he doesn’t have to miss home, after all, because home isn’t always a place.

the obsidian void in jaemin’s chest closes just the tiniest bit, but it still sings out for more. 

_warmer. warmer._

jeno is paper yellowed with age, the rings marking an elderly tree. he is a quill pen dipped in black ink, scrawling love notes across thick parchment. he is a fireplace freshly lit, flames licking across old wood and sizzling into embers, gentle heat creeping across the dim room. he is the dictionary definition of comfort, the calm glass surface of a lake and the warm embrace of a guardian. there's something about him that puts jaemin immediately at ease, like their souls have connected and melded into one. jaemin thinks that there's nothing, no _one_ that could ever rival their bond.

that is, until donghyuck.

  
  


☆

  
  
  


donghyuck bursts into their life like a sun flare.

( _their_ life, because sometimes jaemin can't tell where jaemin ends and jeno begins.)

jaemin had woken up that morning with the tugging in his chest increased tenfold. the emptiness gnaws at him, relentless even when a company executive knocks on their practice room door and beckons them into one of the higher-ups's office.

searching, searching, it whimpers. lost, lost.

jeno and jaemin are sorted into a group of elite trainees with the label of 'smrookies' slapped over them. a team comprised of half boys and half girls, they'll be given the chance to star on a few television programs to showcase their skills and hopefully build a young fanbase before they debut.

underneath the table, jeno's fingers brush his. they don't hold hands, not quite, but the electricity passing between their fingertips hums the same message. 

_we'll debut_ , it beams, _and we'll do it together._

perhaps it's too early to hope. perhaps they're foolish for dreaming of a future together, promoting as one and reaching hearts across the world.

smrookies is far from a guarantee. there's no telling if they'll be just another face in a sea of hundreds, joining the ranks of the many nameless and faceless trainees who fell through the cracks. trainee life is harsh, cruel, and doesn't offer so much as a light at the end of the tunnel. they could crumble into nothingness without raising any red flags, mere dust collecting on the top shelf where no one thinks to check. they could come out of this too damaged to salvage, inked letters smudged incomprehensibly and records hopelessly scratched.

jaemin meets the gaze of one of the boys across the conference table, and something deep in his heart clicks into place.

perhaps it's okay to hope.

the meeting ends, the tantalizing idea of debut igniting flames of passion in the hearts of all who remain. they're encouraged to introduce themselves to each other because they'll be working together soon enough. jaemin squashes his giddiness down, afraid to invest too much of himself in this flimsy promise.

the trainees begin to mingle. most are drawn to a few stand out figures, like the wiry boy with the glimmering eyes and the sharp jawline, or the tall boy with the weariness of many years of trainee life tracing the slope of his nose and brushing along his fluttering eyelashes. jaemin, however, cannot tear his gaze from the mysterious boy across the table.

it isn't until the boy grins mischievously at him, quipping, "take a photo, it'll last longer," that jaemin realizes his feet have carried him all the way across the room. it isn't until a soft hand squeezes his shoulder that jaemin realizes jeno has followed him. 

_\--to the moon and back, yeah?_

the boy sticks out one pudgy hand, then the other, sizing them up with a sunny smile. "my name's donghyuck. i sing."

jaemin swallows dryly before he shakes it, introducing himself as brightly as he can. jeno takes donghyuck's other hand. jaemin tries to keep up with the conversation through the constant droning of _warmer, warmer, warmer._

and if their hands linger just a little too long for a handshake, no one says a word.

_warm._

"i suppose i'll be seeing a lot of you two." donghyuck giggles, nose wrinkling in mock disappointment. "i guess that won't be so bad, as long as no one minds watching terrible romcoms with me on our nights off. come on, someone’s gotta do it!"

when jaemin meets donghyuck, he thinks, this is it. this is the missing puzzle piece, the fingertip left uncolored in his messy childhood drawings.

_closer. closer._

donghyuck is the burn in tensed muscles, poised to spring into action. he is a spritely faerie, clever smile curling and eyes alight with rebellion as he convinces jeno and jaemin to sneak out with him, just once, just to feel the grass underneath their toes and bask in the moonlight. he is sunshine in a bottle, linked arms and spindly fingers dancing over the keys of a piano. he is honey in tea and the scent of fresh mint. he is shimmering eyeshadow and waxy candles, warm baths and oversized sweatshirts and coloring outside the lines.

donghyuck is all this, and yet he is also gloomy days closing the blinds and hiding from the world, forgotten scrapbooks rotting away, the first frost settling over vibrant flowers. he is the bottom of the ocean, the abyss of space. he is atlas bearing the weight of the world on his shoulders, carefully crafted smiles nearly indistinguishable from his beaming natural grins. every playful jab off his sharp tongue matches a tear slipping down his cheek when the cloak of night allows his facades to drop.

sometimes the fire within him glows so brightly jaemin can't bear to look at him, terrified it'll consume the boy whole, charr him into a shell of himself. jaemin wants to cup the flame in his hand, shield it from the elements so that donghyuck will always shine. 

donghyuck is a firecracker, off he goes in a whirlwind of light and energy. his highs are dizzyingly high, but his lows are heartbreakingly low. he experiences the world in extremes that jaemin could never comprehend. 

the company gives him the stage name of _haechan--_ full sun. it’s fitting, almost ridiculously so. haechan is blinding bursts of passion, delegating the quiet nights and silent tears to donghyuck. donghyuck is the reserved, respectful boy behind the rebellious persona, the one that remains when haechan crumbles to dust beneath their feet.

everything about him contrasts with jaemin, but at their core their hearts sing as one, and so they work. 

jeno claims to hate skinship, but jaemin never misses the way his hands sometimes reach towards donghyuck's, only to drop sharply. he always catches the way jeno leans just a bit closer when they pose for pictures, or the way he stays up with donghyuck late into the night-- everything from lengthy heart to hearts to playing video games until ungodly hours of the morning because that's what donghyuck _needs_ right now.

jeno never elaborates on how he knows, exactly, what makes moody donghyuck happy. what could calm him one day could set him off another, but jeno navigates donghyuck with such practiced ease that an outsider would assume them lifelong friends. jaemin never says a word, but he understands.

jaemin feels it too.

this is it, jaemin tries to convince himself as they curl up next to each other, all piled on donghyuck's rickety bed. he trails a hand across donghyuck's trembling form, exchanging exhausted looks with jeno, whose eyes are brimming with tears that he refuses to let fall. jaemin thumbs gently at them, but jeno ducks his head, shaking it slightly.

it had been a long day of practice. it always is-- drilling choreographies for covers that would hopefully make them famous, bloody toes shoved back into worn sneakers. screeching their throats raw for vocal coaches that would hopefully shape them into stars too precious for the company to discard. 

every day spent in the dirty, cramped dorms is a day fighting to prove themselves, to pretend that it can't all just crash over their heads in an instant at the whim of some faceless director. no one cares about them here, not really. when they step through the company door, they exchange personhood for dollar signs and freedom for fame. 

they only have each other.

they can handle the pressure most times. most times. but some nights the shadows stretch a little further up the peeling walls. some nights doubt creeps out of its iron cage, tendrils of insecurity slithering through veins and wrapping chains around vulnerable hearts and minds. some nights they just can't drown out with extra hours of dance practice, or erase with stricter and stricter diets.

when they fall prey to the demons that loom over them, they fall into each other as well.

this is it. jaemin rests his chin on donghyuck's shoulder, whispering dreams of the future to him-- sweet lullabies of them harmonizing on their debut track together, of them celebrating their first win with tears of happiness rolling down their cheeks, arms full of trophies and fan letters and opportunities. brushing the tear off jeno's cheekbone, he resists the urge to lay kisses upon his closed eyelids to reassure them that he's here, and there's nothing the three of them can't do.

when jaemin met donghyuck, he thought, this is it. this must have been what he was searching for, why his heart so blindly pined for something more. jaemin snuggles closer to the two bodies on the bed, desperately seeking warmth.

months stretch on. the chasm does not close. this is not it.

_cold._

  
  


☆

  
  


donghyuck disappears for an afternoon. he returns with a dazed look on his face and papers crumpled in his hands. jaemin looks up as he stumbles into their room, face flushed and chubby cheeks wet with tears.

"i'm debuting." he chokes out, crumpling into their arms. jaemin freezes, veins running cold. he slowly relaxes into donghyuck's grip, the sting of desperate fingers digging into jaemin's side bringing him back to earth. jeno does the same, gently running his fingers through donghyuck's snarled hair. 

donghyuck lets out a hysterical little laugh. "the second subunit of nct, i'm in the lineup. it's-- we don't have a name yet, but i think it's mostly the-- the older guys. and me." he speaks into the crook of jeno's neck.

"hyuckie..." jaemin's head swims. "you deserve this. you really do. i'm-- we're so proud of you." 

and he is. donghyuck has everything-- personality, confidence, looks, dance skills, vocal abilities, chemistry, _everything_. out of all of them, he shines the brightest. 

_(too bright_ , jaemin worries at his lip, watching donghyuck’s flame flicker in the rising wind.)

jeno swallows, ruffling donghyuck's head. "you'll reach the stars."

"not without you." donghyuck mumbles, chest stuttering. "i don't want to do it without you guys. it feels--" he trails off in a whine, but jaemin understands the feeling.

_cold._

they were meant to face the world together, hands linked and hearts beating as one. donghyuck winds his pinky finger around jaemin's. they belong together. 

like how the sky is blue and the grass is green and the moon watches over her children through the eyes of hawks and the buds of flowers, like how the turbulent seas lick at one’s feet with their tempting promises of oblivion and the wind carries hushed secrets traded under the night back up to the tittering stars, they belong.

_together._

"i won't leave you behind." donghyuck whispers, voice thick with tears.

(somehow, jaemin isn't worried. now that they've found each other, they can't possibly get lost.)

  
  


☆

  
  


_closer, closer._

  
  
  


☆

  
  
  


jaemin meets another piece of his heart rather unceremoniously, huddled on the side of a humid practice room.

when a company executive fetches a few of the male smrookies from their dorms, jaemin doesn't dwell on it. anxiety still crawls up his throat at the reminder that his life could start or end in one of those conference rooms, but donghyuck's hand slips into his, reminding him that trainees are reevaluated often and the meetings are generally uneventful.

this time, however, the elevator keeps rising.

jaemin exchanges nervous glances with jeno. they're crammed into the elevator with two other rookies they've been promoting with-- mark, a multitalented older boy whom donghyuck loves to torment, and jisung, the company's baby chick and kpop's next gem. they look equally frazzled, which only slightly calms jaemin's nerves.

jaemin barely hears lee soo man mention some new chinese trainees over the roaring in his head of _debut, debut, debut._

donghyuck crashes into his arms, squishing one cheek against jaemin's shoulder. blindly, he fumbles to pull jeno and mark into their embrace, jisung following not far behind. this time, jeno's hand does find his. "together." his eyes crinkle up. "we'll be together, just like we always knew we would."

it was obvious that the five of them worked well as a team. from watching the older smrookies practice choreographies, to celebrating baby jisung's twelfth birthday, they had developed a close bond. even so, the possibility of the company breaking up their good chemistry was always too real for comfort. it never left the back of jaemin's mind, the little voice dripping with venom as they celebrate after a productive practice, reminding him that each moment is fleeting and his little family could be ripped away on a whim.

jaemin blinks.

he doesn't remember the announcement about the additions to their team until three days later. someone knocks on the door as they stand under the weak breeze from the dying fans in their practice room. jaemin looks up from where he's helping jisung stretch. one of the managers assigned to their fledgling group steps aside, revealing two forms lingering in the doorway.

"everyone, meet renjun and chenle." the manager says, but the words wash over jaemin as if they weren't even spoken. the moment one of the boys steps forward, something in jaemin's heart sings _warm, warm, warm--_

_hot._

there's nervousness embedded in the boy's pretty almond eyes, but it's well masked as he dips his head into an elegant bow. "hello," he speaks, and the world hangs on every word. jaemin takes an unconscious step forward, desperate to hear the honey-smooth voice again. "my name is renjun. it's nice to meet you all."

_renjun, renjun, renjun._ jaemin rolls the name around in his mind. it's beautiful, almost as beautiful as the willowy boy in front of them. jaemin watches dizzily as the second boy introduces himself. he's bursting with energy and brightness, and jaemin is certain they'll get along just fine. he can't tear his eyes away from renjun, though. it seems he's not the only one.

they're allowed a few minutes to mingle before the managers debrief them on their schedule. jeno, jaemin, and donghyuck all gravitate towards renjun. "welcome to the shitshow." donghyuck greets with a grin, but there's something fragile behind it, something almost daring to hope. 

renjun's eyes light up as they approach, one hand curling over his heart. a crooked tooth pokes out from his smile, and jaemin's heart skips. renjun leans towards them as if in a trance, and jaemin feels like he's been caught in the same spell. the entire world falls away, save for the four parts of a whole reuniting underneath the sharp eyes of the fluorescent lights. "i think i'll be right at home."

for the first time, everything feels right.

_warm._

  
  
  


☆

  
  


renjun is a force to be reckoned with.

any fears about how the newcomers would fit into their well oiled team are immediately squashed, for renjun and chenle fall into the group's rhythm like they'd been there all along. renjun, in particular, matches the trio's melody without a heartbeat out of place.

there's something otherworldly about him, something hiding in the lilt of his voice and over the curve of his button nose. it's in the way he fights playfully with donghyuck, fake fists flying and teasing words dissolving into soft touches and shared giggles. he's bold and quick witted on the outside, short temper flaring and energy zipping through his bloodstream. 

when the cameras are off and all doors are shut, however, he retreats far into himself. he seeks warmth in jaemin's side, searches for reassuring words by the mole under jeno's eye, nuzzles into the crook of donghyuck's neck like it’s home. renjun is always the one to gently prod them forth when they hesitate, always the one with eloquent advice flowing from his veins and dribbling from his eyes.

some nights he appears wise beyond his years, an eons old deity weaving theories on the fabric of the universe through the still air of their dorm, watching the skies buckle under the weight of his knowing stare. sometimes the lines on his face run just a little too deep for a boy of barely sixteen. the bags bruising his eyes spin fantastical tales of many lifetimes-- stories only dared to be shared once the moon turns away and the galaxies return to sleep. 

the years tacked onto his soul press his heart deep in his chest, ribcage closing over it like vines creeping across an abandoned building to stow his bleeding heart far from harm. renjun cradles his own flame in his hands, and it's only around the three of them that he allows the glow to peek through his trembling fingers.

other nights, it all melts away. all the pain he doesn't understand from lives he never led, all the carefully structured sentences that spill from his lips, it all disintegrates as the sun dips low in the sky. he is merely a curious child, squished between the fragments of his soul mumbling about how the flowers know where to find the sun in the morning and how the animals know to vacate an area just before a storm. 

his tiny frame fits so perfectly in their arms, slotting together like the final piece of a puzzle-- complete at last.

renjun is fruity bubblegum sticking to teeth, peeling sunburns and scented candles and velvet soft sand. he is the lime green glow of three in the morning, wispy ghosts that roam the streets when no one is looking. he is innocence, wide sparkling eyes drinking in what the world has to offer. he's not blindingly bright like the sun-- no, he's the casual whistle of giggling wind in one's ear, rustling the leaves overhead to play his favorite tune. he is fingertips skating across gnarled bark, barefoot in the rain and tangoing with lightning bolts. he is the flutter of butterflies in one's stomach, crumpled love notes passed in secret across the classroom.

renjun is a mystery jaemin isn't sure he'll ever solve. that's okay.

eternity is a long time.

  
  


☆

  
  
  


“so we’re all 2000 babies, huh?” renjun giggles, throwing an arm over jeno. “it’s like we were meant to be.”

“something like that.” jaemin murmurs, gaze fixed on how the moonlight pools in the curves of donghyuck’s face. 

  
  
  


yeah. something like that.

  
  


☆

  
  
  
  


they move into a new dorm the next week. it's still cramped, far too small for seven growing boys, but they don't have much to their names anyways. jaemin hangs up his idol posters. they’re one thing that reminds him why he's here and what he's working towards, a small consolation when he wakes up in the middle of the night with tears streaking down his cheeks. it still feels cold, though, even with the thermostat turned up. it still feels like prison, though, even when his bed is all neatly made and welcoming.

a soft knock resonates against the door. renjun pokes his head in. "we're in the living room. donghyuck brought some video games, if you want to play." 

jaemin joins them after a minute of reflection. when he walks out, renjun, jeno, and donghyuck are strewn over each other, legs as tangled as their controllers. jaemin leans against the doorframe, grinning as jeno tosses him the last controller.

"thank god, you're finally here!" donghyuck chirps. "it didn't feel right with just three."

home doesn't have to be a place, but it also doesn't have to be just one person.

  
  
  


☆

  
  


jaemin is frustrated.

he was always aware of his fragile back, but only distantly so. it was obviously something to keep in mind since he danced and trained and pushed his body to the limit on a daily basis, but the idea of anything actually happening felt so beautifully far away.

jaemin braces his hands against the floor as he pants, desperately wiping sweat off his forehead. "fuck," he grits his teeth, "fuck, fuck, fuck." rubbing at the lightning sharp pains in his back, he whines low in his throat. "i'm fine. i'm gonna-- it's _fine_."

_it has to be._

jaemin struggles to his feet, trembling limbs carrying him back to the speakers. the glowing numbers of the computer's clock admonish him for being up so late, singing him fruitless lullabies with promises of blissful rest. he ignores it even when his eyes burn from the light, dizziness swirls at the edge of his vision, and his back feels like it's getting smashed in with every breath. 

"one more time," jaemin says for the fourteenth time as he presses play.

once more, once more, once more. his body creaks and groans in protest, white hot pain flaring through his back and reducing him to ash as he stumbles to the side. he slides down with the mirror as his guide, eyes squeezed shut in agony while his hands find the floor.

" _fuck!_ " jaemin scrubs at his face, tears rolling down his cheeks. they drip onto the floor, drizzling sad patterns into the dust. he draws his knees into his chest as the room collapses in on him. “god _fucking_ damn it!”

this is how jeno finds him, god knows how long later, all shaking shoulders and face flushed red and pathetic pleas spilling from his lips.

"you aren't supposed to practice this late, dummy." jeno gently draws jaemin's hands away from his face, fingertips wiping away jaemin’s sorrows as they glide across his skin. he looks ethereal in jaemin’s blurry vision, all warm eyes and solid presence.

"jen," jaemin croaks, throat cracked and dry. "wh-- how did y-you get in here? it's the middle of the night, why are you even a-awake?"

jeno hums, strong arms welcoming jaemin into his chest. jaemin's eyes fall shut, listening to jeno's heartbeat thrum in his chest, steady as always. he speaks, slow and deep. jaemin clings to it like a lifeline thrown to a man drowned. "dunno. just felt like something was off, s'all."

jaemin trails his finger across the ridges of the hardwood floor. "you're gonna make me go back, huh?"

he doesn't think he can handle that right now-- not when the demons waiting outside the door scream that he’s a failure, that he’s never going to be good enough. not when the jaemin in the mirror scolds him for not being able to do the choreography, for succumbing to the pain and buckling when others would push onward. not when the little voice in the back of his mind convinces him that he won't be allowed to debut with them, that he'll be the one broken plate thrown out from the set. at the end of the day, he's just one of many. he's finite, expendable, replaceable, and it's not something he's prepared to face with shadows cast high on the wall and the witching hour ticking away.

"eventually." jeno shrugs. "but not yet."

jaemin blinks blankly at him.

"let's just hang out for a bit." jeno carefully maneuvers jaemin into a comfortable position flat on the ground, instinctively avoiding the sore parts of his back. dedicated, dependable jeno then plops himself onto the grubby floor right beside jaemin, humming softly to fill the air as they stare into the ceiling rafters.

jeno's chest moves up and down just a little too fast, and a thin sheen of sweat coats his forehead. jaemin wonders if he was also practicing, though he can’t help but smile as thoughts of jeno running to him all the way from the dorms flirt with the back of his mind, warmth circulating through his veins.

they peacefully coexist for a while, aching muscles gratefully relaxing into the firm wood. jaemin feels his anxiety leech away as he leans against his rock, his anchor in both the happiest and the hardest of times. jeno's hand finds jaemin's-- it always does.

galaxies glimmer in jeno's tired eyes for just a second. he shifts, and the honeysuckle light of the practice room instead snags on his cheekbones. jaemin memorizes the slopes and lines compositing jeno’s face, drinks in the moles dotting his body, the highlight of his browbones, the small smile curving his lips.

"we'll be okay." jeno says simply and jaemin-- jaemin _believes_ him.

  
  
  


☆

  
  


"they say three's a crowd." jisung remarks as he drapes himself over chenle. he quirks an eyebrow. renjun rises onto his tiptoes to fix jeno's hair. he turns to jaemin, tiny hands smoothing out the creases in jaemin's shirt and patting his collar down flat.

"good thing we're four, then." donghyuck says, dialing the restaurant to make their reservation.

  
  


☆

jaemin wakes up in the middle of the night.

it's not a violent start-- not the clammy handed, sweat soaked rise from a nightmare, nor the restlessness of insomnia. no, something in his chest just... _pulls_.

he pads over to the door, wincing when it groans on its hinges. his eyes immediately fall upon renjun, halfway out his own door with glasses knocked askew on his face. somehow, renjun doesn't seem surprised to see him.

"coming?" renjun says, and jaemin doesn't need to think before he nods. it wasn't really a question, anyways.

they slide into the stairwell, and jaemin can't help but catch the way renjun's tooth snags on his lip, soft hair falling into his wide eyes.

"where are we going?" jaemin asks as they climb up and up and up.

"does it matter?" renjun responds because it really doesn't. jaemin would follow him anywhere, and he knows renjun would do the same.

renjun shoves open the door at the top of the stars, crisp night air winding around their throats as they step out onto the roof. renjun offers his hand with just a shred of shyness peeking out from the brim of his cap. jaemin takes it, squeezing softly. renjun leads him to the edge of the space, the tips of their toes tasting oblivion past the railing.

"it's peaceful up here." renjun smiles, a pretty little thing. jaemin knows that peaceful isn't exactly the word renjun was looking for. despite the light pollution plaguing the city, their rooftop somehow tears a perfect window into the expanse of space. pinpricks of light glitter above them, smokey blacks and blues splashed across the universe’s canvas. clouds hang around them, stretching up and curling in on themselves to piece together a beautiful performance as they dance through the sky.

"it feels like home up here." jaemin corrects.

renjun stares at him for a moment. huffing out a laugh, he directs his gaze towards the city beneath their feet. it feels powerful, somehow, when the world feels so far away. it's like they're suspended in space, shedding their human limitations to twirl amongst the galaxies and breathe life into newborn planets. 

"maybe so."

they watch the sun wake from her deep sleep, crawling over the horizon to paint the skies with bold reds and oranges. day is here, she sings, lock your worries away on the dark side of the moon. renjun and jaemin cease to exist for a little while, trading meaningless stories and silly facts. they brush their regrets over the lip of the edge for the growling alleyways to snap up.

they exchange childhoods with pinkies locked and chins over shoulders and knees knocking. jaemin cannot recall every fact before renjun speaks it into the world, can't remember the names of his parents or how he fell out of a tree and broke his wrist when he was nine or what his favorite subject in school was. and yet, everything at renjun's core is so familiar. it's the way jaemin knows that renjun's determination burns brightly through infinity, that his clever mind can offer stunningly unique perspectives, that he experiences the world with inspiration and creativity flowing through his veins that jaemin could never understand. it's the little quirks, little hints that make jaemin feel like they’ve done this dance many times over.

"we've met before, haven't we." renjun says, and jaemin doesn't need to think before he nods. it wasn't really a question, anyways.

jaemin blinks at the sunrise as nostalgia stirs in his gut. "yeah. somewhere."

"somewhere." renjun agrees.

  
  
  
  


☆

  
  


mark looks at them oddly, one day.

the seven of them are returning to their rooms after a long day of training and schedules. it's a small thing, barely noticeable in the way jaemin's drooping eyelids snap awake at the sound of donghyuck's laughter chiming like bells on a cozy morning. jeno's wrapped around renjun's shoulders like he lives there, making the tiny boy grunt as jeno leans more and more of his body weight into him. donghyuck steals jaemin's glasses from his face, lips puckering up as he scrunches his nose to keep the frames from slipping off his face. it's all quite normal banter.

jisung and chenle disappear into the same room with linked hands, chenle leaning just a bit too close as he ruffles jisung’s hair with affection shining in his eyes. somewhere in the din, jaemin makes eye contact with renjun, who quirks an eyebrow as he slides his gaze towards jisung's door. _they're so gross_ , his wrinkled nose spells clearly.

_so are we!_ donghyuck sticks his tongue out at jeno, who's petting him like a cat. 

_you love it,_ jaemin teases, waggling his eyebrows, and renjun reaches out to smack him. jaemin ducks out of the way, snickering. renjun's momentum would've sent him into the wall if jeno hadn't instinctively moved to catch him, sensing the danger from over his shoulder. 

jeno rubs at renjun's shoulder as the boy pouts, narrowed eyes promising revenge on jaemin. jeno rolls his eyes fondly. _careful, my dear idiots._

no spoken words flow between them, yet they talk for hours. they speak through the curve of their eyes and the tensing of their shoulders and the tap of their nails against the table. they are so in tune with each other that every breath caught in their lungs is a thousand words passed between glossy lips.

mark stops and searches their faces for a moment. he dips his head, shaking it with a fond smile as breath escapes his lips in a cute little huff. there's a shine in his eye, something that recognizes that what is before him predates time itself, something bigger than the world cupped in his absolutely capable hands. he looks as small as a man who has just remembered he's merely one of billions on the planet, one spark of a soul amongst trillions of stars in the sky.

jaemin wonders if he found whatever he was looking for.

"i'll never understand your bond." mark comments. time stretches like taffy between their teeth.

that's okay. they don't either.

  
  
  
  


☆

  
  
  


the company wants more.

_it always wants more_ , jaemin laments as he downs another bottle of water. massaging at his throat, he slides his eyes towards the clock looming in the corner of the room. it chimes brightly, ushering in the fifth hour since jaemin began practicing this damned verse.

the staff had left long ago, pity shining in their eyes as they crooned _it's okay, jaemin. if you can't do it, we can give the part to someone else._

jaemin closes his eyes, aware of weariness leeching the passion from his pleading muscles like a hole poked in a water tower. it's slow at first, but the pressure builds. jaemin's just waiting for the day the dam explodes, his body washing up on the gritty sand.

jaemin pinches at his skin, desperately trying to keep himself awake as his eyelids droop, sharp hooks embedded in them to tug them down his face. dizziness flirts with his spinal cord, saltwater inflating his pruning limbs. his head feels unnaturally heavy on his neck, the passageways under his paling skin stinging and burning with every barbed breath.

he gave up everything to chase his dreams. he can't stop now, can't give in to the gallons of water pushing against the hole. so what if the producers gave him a singing part when he thought he was going to be a rapper? who cares if they're nagging him on breathiness and pitch when he's been drilling flow and rhythm for the past few months? it's fine. jaemin can do this.

he _has_ to do this. like it or not, he has to prove his worth-- to the company and himself. most idols these days are triple threats, absorbing information and new skills like sponges. they’re jacks of all trades and masters of all. what good is he if he can't hold a simple fucking tune?

jaemin tugs the headphones over his ears again, sinking into the melody that pumps through his ears and sweeps through the dustiest chambers of his mind. he can hear the notes, can sing them perfectly in his head. it just comes out all wrong, voice scratchy and pitch wavering and heart _breaking._

jaemin's phone lights up on the table. mark's calling. jaemin loops the music again. he doesn't pick up.

the next time he opens his mouth, all that’s able to free itself from the sludge pooled at the bottom of his lungs is a choked little cry. panic bubbling under his skin, jaemin tries again. his breath wheezes straight past his scorched vocal cords, not picking up any sound on the way. 

this is it, huh. this is how jaemin's career ends, locked in a dingy studio room at some ungodly hour of the night? succumbing to the mental minefields set by his own brain, allowing the water to slough his flesh from his bone? jaemin can feel the ground tilting under his feet, can feel the sand between his toes thicken into quicksand as his body moves with the pulsing tide. his heart begins to collapse into itself, a black hole blossoming in his chest. his blood whirlpools within his body, leaving his shrunken veins to swirl in his toes. a tsunami rises far above him, the shadow cast over jaemin's crumpled form injecting poison into his veins. jaemin's breath rattles in his chest, he can feel the frothing water sucking away from his feet, looming above him, crashing, crashing down it's all crashing down it's all--

_tap, tap._

"jaemin?"

the sputtering ocean fades away, donghyuck's worried face carved into the sea foam. donghyuck shoulders the recording studio door open. he takes one look at jaemin, gaze flickering between the ribbons of exhaustion wound around his body and the stubbornness ringing his irises. immediately, something in his face changes, the crushing concern masked by a plump pout and puppy dog eyes.

" _nanaaaaa!_ " donghyuck drawls, tugging on jaemin's arm like a child. "c'mon, let's go home!"

resolve hardens in jaemin's stomach. he wants to refuse, but his voice won't cooperate, only a sad whoosh of breath escaping his lips. this doesn't go unnoticed by donghyuck, but the splinter in his charade is gone as soon as it forms. jaemin firmly shakes his head no, _no_ he can't _leave_ , he has to _stay_ and _train_ and be _perfect_ and--

"jaeminnie, please." donghyuck's lower lip trembles dramatically as he throws himself over jaemin. "i wanna go home but i can't go without you, mark will get mad at me! like, more than usual. let's just leave, together!" he continues to whine and pester jaemin, but there's a flash of something desperate behind it. it crawls across donghyuck's skin as he turns the equipment off, shepherds jaemin out the door, shuts off the lights, and locks the room, never breaking character.

it isn't until donghyuck yawns loudly, exclaiming, "finally! god, i thought we were gonna grow old in there! i'm too pretty for wrinkles," that jaemin realizes he's standing in the middle of their shabby living room with a cup of tea in his hand.

"wh--" jaemin tries to get out, but the pounding in his head takes his words away, gusts of wind dissolving the syllables over his tongue. 

"drink. you'll feel better." immediately, the petulant child persona falls away from donghyuck's frame. his eyes soften, hand gently massaging the knots in the back of jaemin's neck. jaemin blinks blearily at him, but he just gestures for jaemin to take a sip.

he does. the tang of something sweet zips down his aching throat, pleasant against his sandpaper gums. surprised, jaemin glances up at donghyuck, who's looking at him with such fondness in his eyes it nearly knocks the breath out of jaemin. donghyuck's face breaks out into a soft smile, cheeks bunching cutely. "it's got honey in it, good for your throat."

_how did you know i was sick_ , jaemin wants to ask, but it doesn't really matter as donghyuck ushers him onto the couch, wrapping a wool blanket around his shoulders. 

jaemin didn't even realize he was cold.

"well, i dunno about you, but _i_ could really go for a dumb movie to take my mind off things. this week sucked!" donghyuck sticks his tongue out at the tv. he doesn't look at jaemin when he speaks, but jaemin picks out the tiredness slumping in his shoulders, the slight slur in his voice. 

it's clear he's doing this for jaemin, in his own little way.

donghyuck hops around channels until he lands on a cheesy romance drama. he makes them popcorn and fences them in with pillows galore. they don't talk about the way jaemin ends up shivering in donghyuck's arms, or the way donghyuck holds him as if he's seconds away from fading out of existence.

donghyuck smells like mint gum, fresh and sharp. it blankets jaemin better than the wool around his shoulders ever could, the frostiness soothing the wildfires erupting between jaemin's ears.

jaemin loses himself in the pretty moles peppering donghyuck's glowing skin, each spot kissed by the fates. he swears if he looks close enough, he can see thin threads of gold spinning each mark into gorgeous constellations. fantastical tales and entrancing legends stretch across his smooth skin, sparkling over his cheeks and winding around his neck as if they've chosen him to be their heavenly vessel. they wink at jaemin, sometimes.

the stars may not answer his cries often, but these ones do.

"i think," the bright-eyed protagonist says, staring into his love interest's eyes, "i think we're destined for each other in every timeline to exist."

donghyuck boos and throws popcorn at the screen, but as jaemin stirs his tea, watching it whirlpool in a mug the four of them had painted, he can't help but agree.

jaemin wakes up late, snuggled in his bed to the smell of soup cooking in the kitchen and cough drops piled on his nightstand. under them rests a sheet of paper detailing some vocal warmups and ear training exercises, with a special note from donghyuck at the end:

_don't get sick! don’t strain yourself! >:( _

_see if these help <3 _

_come by my room this afternoon, we can start private lessons and i can teach you what i know!_

_we all know you can do it. don’t forget that._

_you just need confidence, and bitch that’s what i’m here for!_

_feel better, you big baby._

_your beloved sunshine boy, hyuckie~_

  
  


jaemin grins as he pockets the note. he feels lighter today. honey may have soothed his throat, but mint brought him back to life.

  
  
  


☆

  
  
  
  


_eternity is a long time, jaemin._

  
  
  
  


☆

  
  
  


debut feels so close, and yet so agonizingly far away.

the proposed release date looms in the distance. they spend longer and longer nights in recording studios, in practice rooms, in conferences. what was once endless pockets of time carved out for conversing under the starlight becomes a mere brush of hands rushing from event to event. jaemin feels so caught up in the whirlwind of activity, so overwhelmed and lost in the fray that something deep in his chest is aching cold, cold, _cold_.

it's times like these that he wishes he could steal a few precious moments to reflect, to _understand_. he doesn't know why it feels like his heart is splintering every time he's away from his team, why the gnawing in his chest is only soothed by renjun's sweet voice, donghyuck's soft touch, and jeno's warmth. he loves his whole group, he really does, but something about those three--

something about them feels different.

_complete, complete._

they feel like extensions of himself, phantom limbs stretching into the abyss of space. he can feel them even when they aren't there, their absence clawing holes in the fibers of his being. 

it frightens him at first, feeling like he depends on these people to feel whole and not knowing why. he thinks about pulling back, considers not allowing renjun to slip into his bed after a scary movie, weighs not sneaking out to break his diet with jeno's ice cream dates, ponders going to bed when donghyuck begs him to cuddle and write lyrics with him.

he never can.

there's something drawing him to them, something old and wizened, shriveled by time and eroded by the elements but still present and lurking in the depths of his soul. being with them just feels _right_. the world could collapse in on them, the seas rearing up and the wind ravaging the ground and the floor underneath their feet turning to dust and none of it would be able to touch them, not when they are four— not when they are one.

the feeling is mutual.

jaemin prides himself on being observant. he notices renjun diving into donghyuck's side when their coach criticizes his dancing, stripping him bare with cruel words, tearing his armor apart chunk by chunk and throwing the frail boy inside to the wolves. donghyuck holds him, reminds him of all the world they'll see together one day, fills his head with dreams and hopes to flush out the harsh words rotting at his heart.

jaemin sees jeno trade teardrops and soft words with donghyuck when the night overstays her welcome. he watches them huddle under the haze of the rising sun, warm light falling in slats across their faces to rinse them clean of their fears and free of their past. 

jaemin watches when renjun nurses an ill jeno back to health, gently feeding him his mother's trademark soup and rubbing his thumb over his hand to reassure the delirious boy that he won't leave, he could _never_ leave. jaemin catches the tenderness passing between them, not missing the impossibly fond look in renjun's eyes as he brushes jeno's sweaty hair back from his forehead.

jaemin sees donghyuck, frazzled and unsure of his position as he tries to balance two debuting units, rapidly losing his footing as the treadmill of responsibilities speeds up. he understands how the boy can only be soothed by renjun's light touch as he distracts donghyuck. songs and anecdotes from his past and the stupid movies he knows donghyuck loves flow through the room to shroud donghyuck's shuddering sobs. renjun quietly reaffirms that he deserves this-- deserves this love and these opportunities and _goddamn_ he is good enough, _always_ enough. 

jaemin watches jeno fiercely defend renjun from older trainees who gripe about how easy he has it and how they deserve to debut over him. he watches jeno march right up to them with eyes blazing and fists clenched as they laugh at renjun's faint accent and mock his grammar as if renjun isn't fucking _fluent_ , thank you very much. it's a goddamn miracle jeno is as good natured as he is or the bullies would be nothing but bits of blood and broken bone sinking into the cracks of the hardwood floor. as it is, they leave with mouths zipped shut and shoulders tense and slight fear tingling at the back of their heads of the four and their powerful bond.

jaemin knows donghyuck is always the first to notice when jeno is a little far away, the first to see how his feet detach from the ground and his head is lost amongst the clouds and his heart retracts in his chest. jeno doesn't initiate these little exchanges often. he’s not often upfront with his negative emotions, so it's always donghyuck who brings him back to earth before he realizes he's gone, always the one to ground him with a tug on his sleeve or a gentle tap to his wrist.

renjun comes to them all when he's feeling homesick-- he'll never admit that it's because they feel like home more than any country ever has, but it's evident in the way he grasps their hands just a little too tight. despite being told to live with the older members at their dorm to prepare for debut, donghyuck always finds his way back to their arms, sneaking out under the cover of the stars and rising with the sun to pretend like he'd never left. jeno seeks them out in quieter ways, just content to be in their presence whether it's over a meal or a joint practice session or working out or watching a movie— nothing matters as long as they're tangible in his embrace and solid against his side.

jaemin takes all this love, and he gives it back in full.

jaemin watches for signs of weariness in the arc of jeno's eyes, guiding him to bed when he's overworked himself and helping him stay within his limits. he's the one left standing when strong, steady jeno feels like he must break. 

jaemin welcomes donghyuck's endless affection with open arms, the only one to not flinch away from his kisses and shove him to the side. he knows the older members do it on camera as a joke, but he also sees the way rejection after rejection starts to inject insecurity into donghyuck's cutesy gaze, and so he holds him ever tighter, reciprocates in full. 

he monitors renjun for the glint of sorrow in his eyes, the subtle droop of his shoulders. jaemin swoops in with painstakingly home cooked meals and warm blankets and soft lighting. they stay up until the wee hours of the morning so renjun can pour out his soul, worries he couldn't find the words for naturally floating to the top of his stream of consciousness.

they are soft footfalls on the concrete, limbs giddy with excitement as they creep out the front door at night. they lay under the purpling sky, lounging in a world crafted in their honor. the thick air welcomes them home while the moon beckons them back into the sky. those are the moments preserved just for them, a fly encased in ancient amber. it's all in the hours of the night where no one else exists, homes left empty and streets barren. the world stops spinning for a heartbeat, then two. 

they debut, stronger than ever. the snarling spirits haunt them less and less-- perhaps they're harder to target when they sleep tangled in a pile, melting into one. it's difficult work, of course, and while the long nights of interviews and recordings and practices never end, they always take a moment to greet the moon and check up on the comets. the stars even answer them, sometimes. the world loves nct dream, and jeno, jaemin, renjun, and donghyuck love each other.

it's perfect. and then jaemin falls.

  
  
  
  
  


☆

  
  
  
  


_eternity is a long time, huh, jaemin?_

  
  


_…_

  
  
  


_jaemin?_

  
  
  
  


☆

  
  
  


jaemin is terrified.

he was always aware of his fragile back, but it heightened with every fresh pain blossoming across his side. it was obviously something to keep in mind since he danced and trained and pushed his body to the limit on a daily basis, but the idea of anything actually happening felt so bone-chillingly close, like teetering on the brink of the unknown.

jaemin can feel the wind against his back, whistling through his ears and nudging him forward bit by bit. he tastes the soil under his feet getting rockier, crumbling away towards the unseen. there's nothing he can do but watch as his sins descend to meet him halfway.

it's not even a dance practice-- how humiliating. no, destiny prefers to strike him down with her pinky finger just as he's stepping out of the recording studio, a grin spreading across his face and aching joints tugging the headphones down around his neck. _i did it,_ he wants to say, reaching to accept donghyuck's outstretched arms and basking in the glimmer of pride in his eyes at the successful session. rather, all that tears itself from jaemin's throat is a dry groan as he crumples to the ground, taking donghyuck with him.

white-hot agony flares up his entire back, angry red ants biting into every bit of exposed flesh they can find. there's a horrible buzzing under the layers of his skin, bones melting and refreezing and threatening to pierce through his sobbing flesh. wooden spikes drive themselves into the delicate backs of his thighs while battleships set minefields across his calves. one innocent breath wracks his body of all energy as if he's inhaling flames, lungs alight with thick smoke that curls towards his spine. sharp claws pluck out his vertebrae for lunch, sucking the bone marrow out of the gaping hole in his back. someone pours hot tar in place of his skeleton, and jaemin can feel every molecule of it singe his insides and cement him to his decaying body. he whines as the edges of his toenails begin to mold, moss sprouting along his seizing shoulder blades so nature can reclaim what was once hers. every cell jumps ship as jaemin implodes, ticking time bombs dissolving him into the supernova he was born from.

donghyuck gets up. jaemin does not.

  
  
  


☆

  
  
  


they give him two options: one, take a hiatus from the group to recover back home. go to physical therapy, practice everything else he's able to, and be able to return to the group within one year. or else.

two, leave nct dream.

jaemin is alone in the meeting. alone, save for the three phantom hands caressing his cheeks, promising him that the sun will one day rise again over the horizon and paint the sky with shimmering letters that pledge _forever_.

jaemin thinks about leaving. he thinks about retiring from the spotlight, returning home to revive the childhood he never had. he imagines shedding his insecurities, scathing hate comments dissolving from his anxiety-addled mind. he wonders what it's like to have room to breathe again, to not obsess over images and work himself into the ground trying to meet the company's constantly raising expectations. his mind drifts towards a fantasy of a normal life, attending school and going out in public without needing to grab a mask and a hat and practice what to say if he's recognized.

jaemin thinks about the warmth of his hometown, his mother running her fingers through his hair. he remembers homemade meals and kisses on the cheek and family outings. he thinks of the times when he was young and everything around him was peaceful. his career has just begun. it’s not too late. he can still back out.

he feels the crushingly empty air around him. the metal chair underneath him seems colder than ever. 

he thinks of the times when he was young and everything around him was peaceful while a hole in his heart gnawed away at his soul and sizzled between his organs.

_cold._

jaemin thinks about home. he remembers home can be seven terrified boys defiantly looking the world in the eye. 

jaemin thinks about home. he could _never_ forget the three boys that are his home, no matter where he goes.

hang in there, they say. i'll be back, jaemin says.

when jaemin sees his boys next, he's packing his bags with the harbinger of death guiding his hands. not the death of his depressingly mortal body, rather, the death of his dreams.

"not yet." jeno pleads, all round eyes and sparkling tears. jaemin wishes he would let them fall, just once. jeno, level headed and easy going jeno, is being smashed to pieces in front of them. “you can’t go!” his hand shoots out to latch onto jaemin’s wrist, jerking him away from the suitcase. jaemin hisses as the motion aggravates his back, reminding him why he’s in this wreck in the first place.

jeno looks like a kicked puppy, determined expression deflating. his shoulders hunch. “m’sorry, nana, i just--”

“i know.” jaemin rasps, turning his watery gaze back to the socks sitting sadly in his empty duffle bag. they’re bright blue with strings of cute little otters holding hands printed on them. renjun bought them for jaemin for his birthday. 

_“it’s not much,” renjun admits, nervous fingers peeling at the loose hems of his sweater. “we don’t have a lot of money to go around, but i still wanted to-- i just didn’t want you to think we forgot, and--”_

_jaemin seals a finger to his lips, heart bursting with a love so intense it could consume him. renjun bites off his words, nibbling at his lip as jaemin takes his sweet time opening the package._

_“i hope you like them. they’re pretty cheesy and i doubt the stylists would let you out in public with them, but they reminded me of you. of us. all of us.” renjun turns his sheepish gaze to the ground._

_jaemin didn’t expect anything at all, honestly. they’ve barely stolen a quiet moment from their intense schedules. debut is less than two weeks away, and the company is in chaos with preparations. jaemin would’ve forgot his own birthday, if it wasn’t for donghyuck jumping onto his bed at midnight sharp and jeno leaving happy birthday sticky notes all over their room for him to wake up to._

_“i love them.”_

_i love you. all of you._

jaemin musters up the courage to face them again. renjun and donghyuck stand just behind jeno. they aren't angry at the world-- not like jeno, who looks like he's ready to rip the strings of the universe apart, plunge his hands through wormholes and sucker punch god herself just to keep jaemin safe.

renjun and donghyuck just look empty.

"what are we supposed to do without your goofy ass, huh?" donghyuck pouts comically, but there's a shadow of devastation ringing his tired irises. he looks impossibly small, like the world is crashing down around him. one trembling hand darts out to touch his elbow, as if he needs to hold jaemin to make sure he isn't a mirage that could crumble to dust at any moment. 

"you'll do much better without my good looks to distract you," jaemin tries to tease, but donghyuck's face only falls further. he surges forward to engulf jaemin in a hug, skirting his injury. donghyuck's breathing only slows once he can sense jaemin solid in his arms, savor the feeling of his breath ghosting over his cheek.

renjun helps him pack. jaemin pretends not to notice him throw in a few of jeno’s comfy sweatshirts, renjun’s own favorite flannels, and some of the bracelets donghyuck likes to wear. every shirt renjun places into a bag, every stuffed animal he seals away seem to kill him more and more, rigor mortis brittling his fragile heart. jaemin is grateful for the aid, though. this isn't a task he can face alone.

"your pain is our pain." renjun swallows hard, desperately trying to suppress his sorrow. he folds a shirt a little harder than necessary, not lifting his gaze. his chest stutters, breathing disrupting by hiccups. "s-so get better soon, idiot."

jaemin doesn't mention the droplets of tears dotting his clothes.

"we can't-- what are we going to do without--" jeno looks lost, gaze bouncing around the room like he can't bear the weight of the sentence resting on his tongue.

jaemin rubs the tears from his cheeks, plastering on a brave smile as familiar words fall into his mouth. taking their hands, he squeezes them gently. affection crinkles in his eyes. he whispers the words slowly, softly, every syllable tearing itself straight from the chambers of his bleeding heart. "you'll reach the stars."

"not without you." donghyuck whimpers, a years old promise spilling from his lips. 

jaemin's smile wobbles. he takes a deep breath, drinking in the sight of his soulmates standing before him. "don’t be dramatic. i'll be back before you know it."

one year is not a long time, not in the jaded eyes of eons old star clusters and murky planets forgotten by history. if all goes well, he'll be back long before the deadline. if not, well-- 

they'll cross that bridge if they come to it.

a car honks from outside. jaemin tugs down a slat of the blinds, flicking the dust off his fingers. his stomach drops. a sleek black car awaits, eager to lock him away and throw away the key. the knowledge that he might not come back from this settles in his gut like black sludge, but one look at the heartbroken faces of the loves of his life remind him that he _has to_.

"i won't leave you behind."

the words are echoed on both sides and the world feels cold, cold, _cold_.

  
  
  
  


☆

  
  
  


(somehow, jaemin isn't worried. now that they've found each other, they can't possibly get lost.) 

  
  
  
  


☆

  
  


everything feels cold.

it's a chill that persists no matter how many blankets jaemin’s mom lays across him. it lurks behind the warmth coating his insides after a steaming bowl of soup. it creeps in at night even with the windows shut and door locked and heater on high and _god_ , how did jaemin live like this?

who was he before three boys injected color into his world, reminding him how to smile as they chased their dreams together? fingers traveling over the dead eyes in the mirror, jaemin can't quite recognize himself.

_distance makes the heart grow fonder,_ jaemin thinks, _but weaker_. he stares into the endless night sky. it feels so far away without someone to share it with, like the stars have turned away in shame and the galaxies have drifted apart and the sun is fizzling out bit by bit, acrid smoke reaching down to earth to throttle jaemin and make him confess his sins to the cruel expanse of space.

he's on bedrest for the first few months before he starts physical therapy. it's supposed to allow his back to mend so that the exercises don't put him at risk for further injury. it makes sense, but that doesn't stop the itch under jaemins skin when chewing gum comes on the radio, or the pangs through his heart when he sees them perform on the tv.

sometimes he follows along with his arms, singing quietly. other times he changes channels as soon as he glimpses renjun's smile or jeno's fluffy hair or donghyuck's airy voice. he supports them whole-heartedly-- of course he does. he's glad he hasn't ruined promotions for the entire group. it's just...difficult. he knows they're faking the effortless happiness on stage, knows that they aren't _actually_ relieved that he's gone. it's just hard to feel needed when they're clearly flourishing without him in the way.

they facetime him as often as they can, usually behind their manager's backs. it's not like they're explicitly _forbidden_ from contacting jaemin. at least, that's the official statement, but it doesn't stop the company from breathing down their necks, reminding them to focus on the present and not to get attached to something that might be left in the past. _you have your own career to work on,_ they snarl, _whether it involves jaemin or not_.

venomous looks and tightening schedules can't stop the boys from reaching out to their captive soulmate, staying up all night to make sure they can see his face. they crowd the tiny screen, making jaemin giggle as they shove each other out of the limelight. they all vie for his attention, and jaemin feels _warm_.

those moments are few and far between, but not for lack of trying on any side. dream starts preparing for another comeback, and jaemin begins his therapy sessions. they're excruciatingly long and painful, but every time he returns home he's glowing. even if the doctors don't say anything about his condition, he feels like he's getting stronger. each exercise brings him closer to the scattered shards of his heart. he often wakes up to missed calls and facetimes, and returns the favor by spamming their group chat with excessively long lovey-dovey emoji-ridden messages while they're in practice all day.

it barely staves off the chill.

when he's not in bed, jaemin curls up in the rocking chair on his back porch. he watches the moon travel across the sky, notes the twisting ribbons of moonlight as she shrinks and grows and rotates through the phases. a wry smile forms on jaemin's lips. she's dancing for him. he just can't decide if it's a taunt or a reassurance.

the wind has swept him off the cliffside, and he's free falling into the unseen. jaemin peers down into the void. he can't see his reflection in the shifting nebulae. the smoldering stars don't answer his cries, blinking out of existence one by one. 

the tugging in his chest returns. it's even more agonizing because this time jaemin _knows_ where it's urging him to go, knows what's missing from his life and yet he's powerless to fix it. he's rapunzel locked in the tower again, hyper aware of the outside world but unable to reach out and touch it.

nct dream's comeback is good. really good. jaemin sets the album on repeat, even though every note tears through his head to leave nothing but debris and destruction in its wake and every chime plucks another bloodied heartstring from his chest. he can't dance, but that doesn't stop him from watching them perform over and over again, memorizing each move so he can be perfect if he comes back.

_when_ he comes back.

the next time they skype, the three of them look impossibly worn down. "did you see us earlier?" donghyuck's makeup-smudged eyebrows scrunch together, exhausted gaze dipped in hope.

"we performed for you." jeno smiles weakly. "it's all for you. always for you."

"please come home soon." renjun ducks his face, but jaemin doesn't miss the bags bruising his eyes. 

while their job may appear unaffected, their hearts certainly aren't. the stars still glitter in their eyes, but they're blinking out of existence one by one.

after that, jaemin doesn't miss a single performance. he sits in his living room with renjun’s socks on and jeno’s sweatshirt draped over him and donghyuck’s bracelets around his thinning wrists. his stupid therapy pamphlets are scattered around him and he holds a silly green glow stick from the pack his brother bought him and he savors every moment. he learns all the fanchants, pumping his arms enthusiastically to the upbeat music and fawning over the screen every time the camera gets up close. jaemin pretends each stare boring into the camera is directed towards him. he feels a bit like a delusional fan at first, but it's got some merit to it if the outpouring of love in their messages to him is anything to go by.

_jaeminnieeeee i tried 2 wink at the camera for u at inkigayo today but it didn't work so it jus looked like i blinked :( but i blinked for u. bitch i BREATHE for u--_

_nana! i saw this bird the other day that reminded me of you, it had its head stuck in a bag of chips and it was sooooo cute, i swear it waddled just like you--_

_jae remember that time we were up talking about conspiracy theories and u said one of your faves was that lee soo man is a lizard person? i just saw him down a bottle of hot sauce and follow it up with mint gum and idk if that's a typical reptilian overlord thing but i think u might be onto something--_

yeah. love takes many forms.

his name isn't in the fanchants, but he whispers it under his breath anyways, squeezed in right before donghyuck's melodic voice fills the room. he saves each glow stick long after they've run out of juice. it becomes a way of marking the days, a way to feel connected to the group even when he can't be there. he sends them a photo of his collection, and they send him a message back a few hours later. jaemin grins as he opens it. they've each bought a pack of glow sticks, cracking one and leaving it on his empty bed before they leave for schedules. _we match now <3 _, they write.

when they receive their first win, six crying faces and too many glow sticks to count fill jaemin's screen. chenle shoves their trophy into the camera, eclipsing their faces every so often. jaemin bursts into tears.

"it's yours, too," donghyuck sobs, "we did it for you."

they win again, and then again, smashing their own records. they're flying higher than ever. jaemin is so unbelievably proud, and so unbelievably _lonely_.

it takes another comeback to pass him by before jaemin finally receives the news, just shy of one year. his heart soars in his chest, soul aglow with the promise of reunion with his kindred spirits. at the same time, anxiety floods his veins because what if they don't need him anymore? it's not their fault if they’ve grown so much closer without him, finishing out their formative years by molding to each other. what if jaemin is out of place, all sharp elbows and bent puzzle pieces shoved where they don't fit? what if he’s become the outsider, heart singing pitifully towards three souls that have moved on without him? 

for all he knows, they could be tree branches coaxed to grow wound tightly around each other, resulting in a beautiful, blossoming tree that has no room for the little weed sprouting around its roots.

jaemin's so far behind, distance filing away at his spirit and stiffening his vocal cords. his barbie-doll joints are cracked and his heart sags deep in his chest. who would want him, really?

black holes drain the light from his life. jaemin watches the streams of happiness filter out of his chest, swallowed whole by the gaps in the night sky. he's just lucky that his phone glows with messages every now and then, rays of sunshine lighting up his bleak life again.

he's almost forgotten what it feels like to be encased in jeno's arms. he can't remember the scent of renjun's cologne, or of his favorite chewing gum. memories of donghyuck's sweet voice casually floating into the room as jaemin does chores feel so faded and fragile in his hands, all black and white and yellowed with age. all the moments he treasures feel like they’re slipping through his fingers, grains of sand he tries desperately to save but can’t quite catch.

and yet, every time he sees them the love in their eyes promises that he always has a place to come back to. they promise that they're his home, and he is theirs.

for the first time in almost a year, jaemin feels warm. the stars blink lazily at him. slowly, slowly, they smile.

_go on._

all of jaemin's fears ebb away as he dials the number. he's only calling jeno, but he's certain the other two won't be far away. they never are.

_click._

“i’m cleared to come back.” jaemin says by way of greeting. the phone shakes in his grip. there's silence, and then there's sobbing.

the words don’t even need to be spoken this time.

  
  
  
  
  
  


☆

  
  
  


_"thank god, you're finally here. it didn't feel right with just three."_

  
  


☆

  
  
  


tomorrow, the seven will stand on stage again. complete at last, the articles crow, nct dream returns as seven-- complete at last.

they're piled on donghyuck's rickety bed again. their rooms are much bigger than they were in smrookies era, but they still cram in one after the other, limbs tangling and hearts fusing. jaemin wouldn't trade it for the world. right here, with jeno's fingers combing through his hair, renjun's breath ghosting across his skin, and donghyuck's soft voice drifting through the lazy air, he feels whole. 

_warm._

it feels like he'd never left, welcomed back into their arms so easily.

the chasm cracking open his chest for all the world to pick his insides out like vultures swarming bones has closed, sewn up stitch by stitch every time jeno shares his prized belongings or renjun bares his soul or donghyuck peppers kisses into the side of his neck. each little action of love drizzles more plaster into the gaping void until he's full, full, _full_.

  
  


☆

  
  
  


somewhere, deep in jaemin's heart, he recognizes what they are. 

they are more than labels, more than a relationship squished by the walls of what society says a relationship should be. they transcend those flimsy, empty things that are so painfully human. they are more than the way they hold each other at night, more than words, more than touch, more than the soil between their toes and the wind in their hair and the passion in their eyes.

they are born out of stardust, children of the skies left to roam the ground. they are beings as old as time, youth on repeat, adopting many forms and living many lives but always, always destined to end together.

they feel it in the tugging of their chests when they're apart, in the way each others' emotions thrum just below their consciousness. they hear it when they reminisce over trainee days, knowing somewhere that the nostalgia stretches back to the moment the universe exploded into light and color and the second they met as glowing stars in the sky.

"no matter where we go," the hum of jeno's voice buzzes against jaemin's skin. "we'll end up here."

jaemin smiles into donghyuck's neck. jeno doesn't mean anything as trivial as donghyuck's bed or their dorm or even as nct dream. no, it doesn't matter where they are, who they are, or even what bodies they happen to inhabit. something magnetic in their souls will always reunite, holding true against the test of time to dance under the skies that once housed them and relish in the rain pounding against their skin.

"we'll find a way." donghyuck mumbles sleepily. "we always do."

"we always have." renjun echoes, burying his head into jeno's chest.

_and we always will,_ jaemin finishes and his heart is warm, warm, _warm_.

  
  
  


☆

  
  
  


lying there-- with jeno strewn over his right leg, renjun snuggled onto his right shoulder, and donghyuck's hand tucked into his left hand, jaemin's world bursts into warmth and color. the messy scrawl substituting his cobwebbed heart is solid now. with every precious moment spent with the boys he once shared galaxies with comes another stroke of the kindergartener’s crayon as three more forms appear in his self portrait.

lying there-- four fallen stars drawn back by the fates' delicate touch, jaemin closes his eyes.

this is it.

  
  
  
  


☆

  
  
  


_complete at last._

  
  
  


☆

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> hi hi notes about this au~
> 
> i was originally going to take turns writing each of their perspectives, but it was just too big of a project and jaemin really took over this story lmao. because of this each boy in my mind has different reactions to their bond and what they feel!
> 
> for example, renjun remembers more of their past than the rest— i feel like he’d be the most in tune with things like that, because he’s such a deep thinker and wonders about the universe a lot. he doesn’t really understand what he remembers, but it’s closer to the front of his awareness than the others! it’s caused him to be a little more reserved and easily lost in his head, a little more wary to open up to the boys at first because he has all this weight on his shoulders and can’t process it alone.
> 
> as for jeno, we know words of affirmation aren’t really his primary love language (especially with recent events like dream show and chenles bday <3) so i wanted to focus mainly on the unspoken things he does-- staying up with hyuck, laying quietly with jaemin, etc. i felt those suited him and the way he works, not super forthcoming with words (both when helping someone else and needing help) but preferring to be a shoulder to cry on and a solid presence in the room, also providing physical comfort :) jeno babie boy
> 
> hyuckie i drew lots of inspiration from seeing him on tour vs how he is in videos-- (he’s so, so talented irl his voice and dance skills are just unbelievable GODDD) bc he was much more withdrawn and shy on stage than how he is like playing around with the members and teasing them on vlives and videos. i think its common to have ‘happy pill’ or ‘moodmaker’ people in a group be taken for that and nothing more, but hyuckie babies got lots of layers to him and i wanted to show him as more than just a goofy kid-- he can also be kind, caring, serious, and have his off days.
> 
> as this is only from jaemin’s point of view, i tried to really balance it all out focus on the relationship between all four-- the give and take between the other three, and then their dynamics with jaemin. i hope i made it clear enough that it’s reciprocated all around, equally. the seven of them are also incredibly close (everyone said goodbye to jaemin, not just 00line), though there wasn’t really the space to explore that in this fic. everyone cares deeply about all parts of the team, but there’s just that hint of something otherworldly that draws 00line together. 
> 
> i also briefly toyed with giving them traces of powers or adding something that leaned a little more heavily into supernatural/fallen gods themes-- jeno was going to always know the exact time and never be late, donghyuck was going to be a full fledged empath, and things like that. in the end i really wanted to focus on this as a character study of who they are now and how they are linked, and less of a break down of exactly who they used to be and where they came from. that’s up to interpretation! technically you could read this whole piece as one giant metaphor for true love, or as an actual we are literally reborn stars/deities narrative. i just grounded it a little more, though the original themes sort of came through in their bond, like how they all have inklings of what the others are feeling. it’s just more subtle!
> 
> last note-- the teacher was rv’s irene bc i am . Love her also jeno and jaemin were each others’ first kiss but there was also not a space for that in this fic bc i wanted it to be interpretable as both platonic or romantic soulmates !! 
> 
> thank you so much for reading <3 thank you to the prompter especially, for giving me such a wonderful canvas to work from. i really hope you like it!
> 
> twitter: pixeljunnie  
> curiouscat: pixinoa


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